The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
