After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
