I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
