Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
