you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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