Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
