This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize