Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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