Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
