this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
