Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
