There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
