How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
