I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I need mimosas to revive my soul
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
