He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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