You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
