Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
