1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
