i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
