Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Man, jail baloney is awful.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
