what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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