Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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