All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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