We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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