I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
