whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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