are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
