Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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