I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
