she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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