So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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