no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
