Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
