By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
