I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
