I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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