My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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