I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
