so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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