I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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