How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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