The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
