saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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