This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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