i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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