ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize