Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
