I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
