Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
