i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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