My underwear smells like fireworks.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
