She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
