I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
