I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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