Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
