Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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