There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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