fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
home. puking in laundry basket.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize