I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize