My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
she peed on how many people?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
