Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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